


a shamwow obsession

by shamwow



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Masturbation, shamwow masturbation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-24
Updated: 2013-12-24
Packaged: 2018-01-05 20:28:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1098266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shamwow/pseuds/shamwow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave had loved Doritos for longer than he could even remember. The day Bro introduced him to the nectar of the gods that was Dortios, it must’ve been the best day of his life, even if he didn’t remember it. He loved Doritos almost as much as irony or SBAHJ. But a new love interest may interfere with Strider’s current love.</p>
<p>WARNING: contains masturbation, shamwows, and terrible penis names</p>
            </blockquote>





	a shamwow obsession

**Author's Note:**

> im sorry this is a big wall of text and isnt separated by paragraphs idk why its not but it wont let me fix it for some reason so

Dave had loved Doritos for longer than he could even remember. The day Bro introduced him to the nectar of the gods that was Dortios, it must’ve been the best day of his life, even if he didn’t remember it. He loved Doritos almost as much as irony or SBAHJ. But a new love interest may interfere with Strider’s current love.  
Dave never really knew how to clean up the messes he made when he needed to work out the bald headed yogurt slinger. It was too sticky for napkins, they would become glued to whatever surface he tried to wipe it off of. It was almost like Dave had ejaculated fucking Gorilla Glue. He couldn’t use his shirt or it would make even more of a mess and would stain his clothes. He thought about just never taking his trouser snake on a joyride again to prevent the issue, but he knew that was impossible. Almost blasphemy! He needed to figure out a way, and soon. And he would.  
The cool kid was chilling on the couch after a long day of doing absolutely nothing, watching TV. A commercial break began, and he groaned and was about to direct his attention to his phone until the show started again until he heard a voice from the TV he had reckognized. Looking up, he saw a scrawny man with wide eyes and a large, almost crazy smile. He was holding up a square sheet of yellow…. Paper? No, not paper. The man explained, “this product is the Shamwow. It was designed to clean any mess on any surface!” Now, Dave was listening intently. “It absorbs liquids and leaves no streak marks or stray stains behind!” The Shamwow Guy continued. He then went on to list several surfaces you could clean with the Shamwow and what substances could be cleaned. Obviously they wouldn’t mention the substance Dave had particular trouble cleaning up, but he was sure it would be an option. He paused the commercial when the phone number was shown, and called. “I would like to order five Shamwows, please,” he told the operator. In just a few days, the boy would have a set of these heavenly cleaning sheets and all of his problems with his baby batter would be gone. But little did he know he would get much more than that.  
It had been a few weeks since he received his plethora of shamwows, and they couldn’t be working better. He could now massage his pork sword as often as he wanted and not worry about the mess, because the Shamwow could clean the mess effortlessly and swiftly. He spent more time with Russell the one eyed wonder muscle than eating Doritos, which used to consume most of his time. But now that cleaning his love butter was so easy, how could he not take a ride on his baloney pony?? The more often he did it, the more he began to realize that he might be beginning to jack off to fantasies of using Shamwows to clean the aftermath of the heat-seeking moisture missile. “I couldn’t be,” he thought. “No way I could be jacking off to the Shamwows.” But this was only denial. One day when he was about to begin the journey on the mayo shooting hotdog gun, he heard a voice say, “Wait.”  
He followed the voice’s origin to a single shamwow lying on his desk, waiting to be used. Did it just talk? “Do not continue with this habit, Dave. It’s beginning to harm your health.” Indeed, the Shamwow was speaking, even though it had no face or mouth. “What do you mean? It’s not unhealthy,” Dave argued. “When it interferes with daily life, Dave, it is unhealthy.” Interfere with daily life? How?  
“Check Pesterchum, Dave. How many unread messages are there?” Dave slowly pulled up Pesterchum to face over 50+ unread messages from John, Jade, and Rose. Most were worried messages about if he’s okay or if something had happened. Dave was in shock. He had never realized how much he had shut out his life to please himself, al because of a small yellow towel...  
“See, Dave? You’ve become unhealthily obsessed. Not only with pleasing your schlong dongadoodle, but you’ve become obsessed with me. And it’s time for that to end.” Dave was at a loss for words. “I can’t…. Be in love with…. you….” He stammered. “But you are, David. You chose me over your precious Doritos.” How could this be? Falling in love….with a Shamwow? All because it was good at cleaning up after his luigi? It was an impossible reality….that he had to accept. “Fine, I’ll… I’ll stop.” He finally replied. If Shamwows could smile, the shamwow probably would be smiling then. “Good job, Strider. Those Doritos deserve you much more than an old Shamwow like me does.” After that, the Shamwow never spoke again.


End file.
